No Golf in the Olympics?

By Kevin Pierce

Watching the 2008 Olympics, I'm constantly bothered by one thing and it isn't the horrible commentary. I'm baffled by the absence of golf. I know what you might be thinking and I'm thinking the same thing, 'Does the world really need another sport added to the Olympic roster?' but the answer should be a resounding 'YES'.

Golf is, after all, a legitimate sport, giving it a clear advantage over half the current so-called 'sports' accepted by the Olympics. Take ping-pong for instance.

If you're reading this thinking ping-pong is legitimate, then I have no problem telling you that you're a complete moron. Ping-pong, which is not a sport, is a miniature version of tennis, which is a sport. There is no disputing this fact. If we're forced to accept ping-pong as a legitimate sport, then why don't we allow other miniature versions of other sports into the Olympics as well? What about foosball? It looks a lot like a tiny version of soccer to me and is a hell of a lot more fun to play than ping-pong. What about miniature golf? Who wouldn't want to see a completely serious American team putting for gold on the draw bridge hole?

I honestly don't have a problem with ping-pong. I'm just saying I want some consistency, which brings me to my main gripe with the Olympics. Ping-pong has no business in the Olympics, but I do believe it has more of a right to be there than dressage or gymnastics, because ping-pong, while still not a sport in my opinion, is at least a 'Finish Line' sport.

What's a 'Finish Line' sport you ask?

There are two kinds of sports in the Olympics: 'Judged' sports and 'Finish Line' sports. Examples of Finish Line sports include: running, swimming, fencing, archery, soccer (Football) and pretty much everything else. In a finish line sport someone crosses the finish line first, or jumps the highest or scores the most points. There is no question as to whom the medal should go to. In my opinion this is the essence of a real sport, two teams or players competing for the win.

Examples of Judged sports include: diving, dressage, all gymnastics, sometimes boxing if a decision is required, synchronized swimming and a plethora of other lame sports. In a judged sport there is no clear winner and a third party decides which of the contestants did the best. Even if these are the most qualified experts, they're still just people with opinions.

One such event is called 'Dressage'. In case you missed this prestigious sport it involves a horse, a jockey and prancing. Yes, prancing. 'Judges' sit on the sidelines and actually weigh the performance of prancing horses and pick the best one, because in dressage there in no finish line for the horses to cross. There is no bar they must jump over. There are no points other than the completely bogus points the judges award. There are only prancing horses, and a bunch of expert morons, judging the whole shebang.

How can this 'Sport' get Olympic recognition while other real sports, such as golf, are completely ignored? What else will the Olympics Committee approve over golf? I can only imagine it will be some stupid judged sport where moronic women prance around with hula-hoops like cheerleaders on steroids. Oh ya, that's an Olympic sport as well. It's called Artistic Gymnastics. Really, I'm not lying. They actually award medals for it.

The problem could be that many people have hang ups with golf being in the Olympics. I'll address some of these hang ups right now.

Some say that golf is already a global sport with many international competitions to decide who is the best. There is no need for it to be in the Olympics. Soccer is more of a religion than sport to half the world. It has a global following and many international competitions, with one such competition that is arguably more popular, if not more important, than the Olympics. Has anyone heard of the World Cup? So why is soccer allowed in the Olympics, certainly not because it already has a global presence.

Some say we shouldn't have pros compete if golf becomes an Olympic sport. Fine with me. So we only allow amateurs to compete. Who really wants to see Tiger bending over to accept a gold medal on top of everything else the guy has won? Not me. So okay, fine, lets hand the reins over to some amateurs and let the games begin.

Some feel that golf has no place at the Olympics. William K Wolfrum had this to say, 'Head over to the Louvre one day and check out the statues of ancient Greek athletes. You'll notice that very few of them depict naked guys holding a five iron with a caddie next to them checking the wind. By all means golf is a great game, but it's just not Olympiad worthy.'

While it is true that you may not find naked statues of ancient Olympians holding five irons, there is a long list of other sports you will never see statues of ancient Olympians doing. Diving. Synchronized swimming. Trampoline. Sailing. Dressage. Artistic gymnastics.

My guess is that they would laugh themselves silly if they saw our current Olympics event list. Golf, at least, they might understand. The ancient Olympians practiced only finish line sports like, wrestling, chariot races, boxing that didn't require a decision, and something called the pankration. A sport very much like modern day mixed martial arts cages fights, but these were not light weight matches. The ancient Greeks didn't mess around.

During one pankration match a man named, Arrichion of Phigaleia won the event even though he was dead. His opponent had him in a chokehold and Arrichion, in his desperation to get out, broke his opponent's fingers and ankle. The opponent almost passed out from the pain of shattered bones, and submitted. When the referee untangled the two men, it was discovered that Arrichion had died from the chokehold. Not a country to wimp out, the Greeks crowned the dead man's body with an olive wreath and declared him a hero.

Would these guys understand any of our judged sports?

I realize golf isn't the manliest of sports. When compared to the ancient Olympics, every modern sport would invariably come up short. All I'm saying is at least golf is a finish line sport which makes it more inline with the original idea of the ancient Olympics and therefore, in my opinion, more deserving of a spot on the current Olympics event list . At the very least, why not make a longest drive event? How hard would it be for the host country to install a field of grass, or a single hole? How awesome would it be to see the amazing drives the best of the best would deliver?

My fear is that even if golf does find its way into the Olympics, the people running things will screw it up somehow. They'll probably institute some lame ass artistic golf swing event, where judges evaluated a contestant's swing posture and speed. Then again after watching the Olympics this year, I'm not sure I could stomach their version of a golf commentary. I'd be asleep before the third contestant.

My name is Kevin Pierce. I help operate http://www.Wormkiller.com a golf clothing and accessories website. I like Taco Bell, dogs, dog food, golfing and dirt.